“He ran me over!”

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Badge415

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Just when I thought I’d seen it all.

The other night I went to a crash involving a pedestrian and a vehicle, which normally isn’t that big of a deal, except this one had a twist.

When I got to the call, the victim was being put inside the ambulance. I jumped inside and asked, “What happened?”

The man, who was homeless, was about 40 years old. He had an unkempt looking beard and smelled like he hadn’t had a bath in weeks. He also smelled like he’d been drinking beer all day long.

He told me about lying down in the parking lot and putting his head on the curb like it was a concrete pillow.

There was car parked parallel to the curb just south of where he was resting. A guy got into the driver seat and started the engine. At this point, it would’ve been a good idea to move, but he didn’t.

That’s when he said, “He ran me over!”

Now, it’s not every day you hear someone say that, so I tried to keep a straight face as I asked, “Where did the car run you over at?”

“Look at my leg. It doesn’t look like the other one.”

He was wearing pants but one leg was definitely bigger than the other. The victim said, “The guy was drinking.”

“How do you know?”

“We’re street people. We know these things.”

You just can’t make this stuff up.

She was dumb

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Badge415

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Tonight, this woman had been stopped on a side street and wanted to make a left turn onto a busy street with a 40 mph speed limit. She started to turn and then stopped in the middle of the intersection when she saw cars coming from one direction. That’s when she got hit by a car coming from the opposite direction.

After I was done with the interviews she asked me who was at fault. I told her she had caused the accident by failing to yield to the other vehicle. Her face got serious as she clenched her jaw and squinted her eyes. Oh boy.

She said, “He saw me. He should’ve stopped.”

I pointed out that she was the one who got in the way when she pulled out in front of the car.I tried explaining it to her, but she didn’t want to hear it. All she could say was, “He should’ve been driving defensively.”

I almost laughed when I heard that. I surely would’ve choked if I had been drinking something at that moment.

Was this woman for real? I knew this was probably the dumbest thing I had heard all week. In fact, I think my IQ score dropped a few points just from hearing that.

At this point, all she wanted to do was argue. She had already made up her mind and there was nothing I could do to change it. That’s when I told her we were done talking about it.

The woman turned toward her damaged and uninsured vehicle as she walked away like a pouting child. She looked at her male passenger and said, “I don’t know why I’m a citizen of this country.”

Really? No one is keeping you here……

Now that was really the dumbest thing I had heard all week. I didn’t think it was possible she could top her previous comment, but she did.

I turned toward my friend Miguel and said, “She’s definitely going to make the blog.”

Can I call you Frank?

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Badge415

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

One of the funniest things to do at work is to say random things while on calls just for the heck of it. Most of the time it’s just something that pops into my head and I go with it.

A few years ago, I responded to a hit and run collision where a parked vehicle was struck by a car that rolled over. The call information indicated the suspect ran away, but was caught one street north of the collision scene. When I got there, I saw the driver siting on the curb with other officers, who were standing by.

The driver was about 30 years old and was barefoot. I was impressed he was able to run that far with no shoes after climbing out of an overturned car. He was obviously really motivated to get away. His feet were black and filthy from his sprint to freedom. It was going to take a month to get those little piggies clean.

I walked up to him and said, “Hi. You look like the guy who sits on the wall from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.”

He looked down at his feet and started laughing because he knew which guy I was talking about. At least he had been to Disneyland land to understand my joke. That’s when I knew I could do the name game with him.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Bill,” he replied.

With a straight face I asked, “Do you mind if I call you Frank?”

The man, who was DUI, paused for a moment and then smiled as he raised his arms in the air and said, “You can call me anything you want.”

“OK Frank. Tell me what happened.”

Frank went on to tell me how the crash happened and was eventually arrested for DUI. He took everything in stride and was as nice as could be about the entire thing.

You just never know what kind of reaction you’re going to get when you ask to call someone by their wrong name. The answer is sometimes priceless.

Did you blow on me?

Posted on January 18, 2016 by Badge415

On Saturday night, I responded to a traffic collision where a vehicle collided into a wall. When I arrived, I saw a car on the side of the road next to a block wall that was painted gray. There were tire marks along the wall, which showed the car had bounced up against it a couple of times.

The driver, who we’ll call Jim, was in his 40s and was standing next to his wife. I walked up to him and asked, “What happened?”

The man said, “I dropped my cigarette and hit the wall.”

With a smile I said, “You know they say cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your health.” At first he didn’t say anything, but then managed a nervous laugh. I said, “Thanks for laughing at my jokes.Where’s the cigarette?”

“I have no idea.”

My quick-witted partner said, “I bet you never saw that on the Surgeon General’s warning label before.” Jim didn’t get the joke, but I laughed because I get Matt’s humor.

While I was talking with Jim, I noticed a strange odor on his breath, so I asked him, “How many beers did you drink tonight?”

“None.”

I said, “I smell something on your breath.”

His wife, who was standing to my right, suddenly blew air out of her mouth at me like I was a birthday candle.

With a scowl on my face, I turned toward the woman and asked, “Did you just blow air at me?”

“Yes,” she replied. After she said that I wondered if she was wacky?

I turned away from her as I looked at Jim. I pointed to a light pole as I said, “Let go stand over there so your wife doesn’t blow on me again.” He and I then walked away. After we were done talking I went back to my car.

A few minutes later Jim said, “I found the cigarette.”

I looked over and saw Jim pointing into the car with a smile. I walked over and saw a cigarette with a burnt end on the seat. There was also a round hole in the seat that was burned.

The woman looked at Jim as she said, “This is my car and he’s not supposed to smoke in there.”

I couldn’t resist as I said, “He burned a hole in your seat too.”

She put her hands on her hips and gave Jim a look like she wished he had hit the light pole too.

She didn’t get our jokes

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Badge415

FullSizeRender(25) The other night, I was dispatched to a hit and run call where the victim was chasing the suspect vehicle. At one point she lost the car and pulled over into the parking lot of 7-Eleven.

When I got there the driver was standing in the parking lot with another officer. I went up to her and asked what happened. She seemed stressed and spoke very loudly as she said, “I’ve never been through this before.”

To lighten the mood I said, “This is my first time too.”

She missed my joke and went straight to telling me what happened. As she retold the story her voice got louder and louder. She described how the collision occurred and how she yelled, “You can’t leave!” to the suspect as he drove away.

After he left, the woman started chasing the driver as they went in and out of traffic. At one point she held up her index finger and thumb and said, “He missed a car by that much.”

“You mean like Get Smart?”

She didn’t even blink an eye, which told me she never saw Get Smart like I did as a kid.

She continued with the story as the suspect ran the red light at a major intersection. After that she lost sight of him on a different street, which was pretty far from where the suspect ran the red light. Of course, she didn’t mention running the same red light to keep up with him and I didn’t ask.

An officer named Eric, walked up just as she said, “This is the second hit and run I’ve been in.”

Eric, who is a very funny guy asked, “Were you the suspect or the victim last time?”

With a straight face she said, “The victim,” and continued with the story.

Eric looked at me as he asked, “Too soon?”

“No, not at all,” I replied as I smiled.

In the end I handed her a card with the report number on it and said, “Call your insurance company and tell them what happened.”

“I don’t have insurance.”

We looked at each other for a moment in silence. That’s when I said, “That got awkward.” Eric smiled, but she didn’t get it, which was probably good.

Happy New Year

Posted on January 1, 2016 by Badge415

_DSC7459 The clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve night and it didn’t take long before we had our first DUI collision of 2016. Luckily the first victim was only a tree and not some unlucky person, who was minding their own business on their way home.

After the DUI investigation was completed, the driver was handcuffed and told he was under arrest. I was standing there when he said, “But I’m not drunk.”

I pointed to the tree the guy crashed into and joked to another officer, “Doesn’t he realize he failed the driving test?”

The driver was given the option of a blood or breath test. After he decided on the blood test I started to walk away. That’s when he said, “I’m not drunk” again.

His car was stuck on the median and up against a tree with a flat tire and a damaged rim. Its front bumper and grille were also damaged. After looking at the car and hearing him over and over, I wondered if he realized how silly he sounded at this moment.

You just can’t go around hitting things. Especially after drinking 4 or 5 beers on New Year’s Eve night. Maybe it’s time he drank from the cup of responsibility instead. It wasn’t like tree jumped out in front of him.

Have a safe 2016.

I’ll wait for another ride

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Badge415

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Last night I responded to a hit and run crash involving an SUV, that was disabled in the road. When I arrived, it was turned the wrong way and blocking a lane. It’s right rear tire had been torn from the vehicle and was in the street blocking another lane. The crash also ripped off the rear bumper and tossed it aside like an old toy on Christmas morning. The driver was standing on the sidewalk with two car seats next to her.

She told me, “I was in the intersection when I saw the car coming right at me.”

The suspect vehicle went through a red light and hit the victim on the right rear wheel and bumper area, causing it to spin out of control. Her two small children were in the back seat at the time. The driver said, “I thought we were going to roll over.”

It was amazing they were not injured. This crash could’ve been worse.

After I was done with the interview, I handed her a card with the report number on it. I wished her luck and told her to call her insurance company. She thanked me as she watched her vehicle get dragged up onto a flatbed tow truck. She told me she only had liability insurance, which meant she was out of luck because this SUV was going to car heaven a week before Christmas.

She shook her head as she said, “I have no money to fix this.”

As I walked back to my car another officer pointed to her rear bumper, which was still in the street. I glanced down at it, but I wasn’t sure what he wanted to me look at. That’s when he pointed at a sticker on the bumper that said, “If you ride with me, be prepared to die with me.”

That’s not the type of sticker that I want on my car. That’s just asking for trouble from the car accident gods.

Remind me to never to get a ride from this woman or be on the same airplane with her.

The phantom car

Posted on December 5, 2015 by Badge415

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I love the excuses people try to come up with when they crash into parked cars. First of all, when it’s 2:15AM and you’re not DUI, then you shouldn’t be crashing into stuff. It’s pretty simple when the road is straight and you want to go from point A to point B. Just drive straight.

When there are parked cars on the side of the road they don’t move. They’re parked. They’re actually giant paper weights on wheels at that moment. In fact, the parked car is as harmless as a sock on the floor of my son’s room.

Tonight, this guy tried telling me the lane got narrow and that was how he crashed into three parked cars. I pointed to the street and asked him if the lane width at the collision scene was the same as it was 500 feet down the road. He looked and told me it was the same.

I told him his story didn’t make sense and it wasn’t working for me. I asked him to help me out so I could write a report that people could understand.

With a confused look he fell back on an old collision investigation favorite. He blamed the phantom car, which allegedly moved into his lane and caused him to crash.

The phantom car has been the cause of many collisions at night. You’d be amazed on what kind of damage the phantom car has caused over the course of my career.

The phantom car is like the Loch Ness Monster or Big Foot. It’s been seen, but its existence has never been proven.

Of course, he couldn’t stop at the phantom car excuse. He had to throw in one more excuse to make the unbelievable more believable. He told me one of the parked cars was sticking out, yet he never saw it before the crash.

I often wonder if people realize how silly they sound when they try to pull stuff out of their ass.

Until the next time the phantom car strikes. I’m sure we won’t have to wait long.

My 6,000th crash

Posted on December 2, 2015 by Badge415

Two of my used steno pads

This past weekend I took crash number 6,000 of my traffic career. Some people might wonder how I know that. Well, it’s because I’ve written down every report number in steno pads since I started working in the traffic detail.

When I first started, my traffic training officer suggested I get a steno pad and keep track because it would come up when I had to testify. From that moment on I started writing each and every report number down. At the end of the month I’d count the number of collisions I took and then add it to the running total.

Over the years I’ve filled up steno pads as the number of collisions continued to rise like the stairways of the world’s tallest buildings. First there was 100 and then 200 as the crashes started to stack up.

I remember the night I hit 1,000. It was a pursuit crash, which turned into a mess after another department chased a car into our city. I thought 1,000 sounded pretty cool at the time.

The years continued to pass as the 2K and 3K milestones were hit. As I got closer to 4,000 I told some friends it was coming up. I’d go to calls and people would ask me what number I was on. Finally 4,000 came when a DUI driver crashed and rolled his vehicle.

The next milestone was 5,000 that occurred when a bicyclist got hit by a car in an injury collision. Not too long after that, the watch commander came up to me and said, “I heard about 5,000. I’m not sure if I should congratulate you or say I’m sorry.”

So, Friday night came and I only needed 3 more collisions before I hit 6,000. Who was it going to be? Which person was going to be unlucky 6,000? It came at 1:30AM when a red SUV crashed into a traffic signal pole. This particular vehicle had such major damage it would never see the road again.

What would be the best way to commemorate 6,000?

This past year my call sign was changed to 729 after I had been 784 for 15 years. I stood in the street and decided I would use my old call sign because that’s what I used at 1K, 2K, 3K, 4K and 5K. I figured why not.

So, I got on the radio and asked for a traffic collision report number for the 6,000th time as I said, “784, time and DR.”

The dispatcher replied by calling me “784” as she gave me the report number. I wrote it down with a smile because 784 was alive and well one more time at the scene of a car accident.

The busiest Thanksgiving night ever

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Badge415

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I started in the traffic detail in 1999 and have worked almost every Thanksgiving night since. Thanksgiving always falls on my normal work day, but I don’t mind coming in because it’s always slow. It’s the one night where it seems like the city calms down and takes a break from the usual nonsense. I usually only take one collision report and that’s about it. Two collision reports would be a “busy” night on Thanksgiving night.

So, when my son asked to ride with me on Thanksgiving night, I told him he was going to be bored, but he still wanted to go.

We had dinner at my mom’s house and I went into work late. I spent the first hour of my shift catching up on paper work as he waited for the action to start. The radio was dead and there were no calls holding just like I expected. Things were going just like I predicted.

Little did I know an unforeseen force was about to unleash its fury on our city. We were like a small boat out in the ocean as a great storm was about to strike. That’s when the flood gates opened and the calls jumped off.

For the next six hours the city exploded with calls. Before I knew it, I had handled 3 DUI collisions and a regular crash where an unlicensed driver ran a red light.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the stabbing call where an apartment floor was full of blood and looked like a slaughter house. What kind of person stabs another on Thanksgiving night?

That was the busiest Thanksgiving night in my career. Good thing I’ll have Christmas off. Who knows what’s going to happen that night.

Happy Holidays. It’s scary out there.