He told her what?

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Photo credit- Yahoo.com

Last week I called a woman to ask her a follow up question about a collision she was in. After she answered my question she asked, “Can you tell me who was at fault?”

That’s a question I like to avoid for many reasons because it sometimes ends up with hurt feelings when I tell them. The hurt feelings are usually followed by debate, arguing, and finally acceptance.

I guess it’s the car accident stages of grief.

With a bit of dread I replied, “You were.”

Her end was quiet as she digested what I said. After a moment she broke the silence and said with passion, “The witness told me I wasn’t at fault.”

I heard this and a Steve Harvey look of disbelief flashed across my face as all of these comebacks flew through my head. I pictured myself turning to The Family Feud answer board and saying, “The witness told me I wasn’t at fault.”

Instead of a “ding” for a correct answer, a long buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz could be heard as the X flashed across the screen.

After my Family Feud moment, I gently explained to her why she was at fault. I then tried to  lighten the mood as I said, “I’ve been doing this longer than the witness.”

 

A crazy 902T

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A few months ago the word “whale” came up during a call and it became a challenge to see if I could work it into the conversation with a suspect. Mission accomplished that night with a good laugh and an inside joke between me and another cop.

Another time the word “ball” came up on a call in a weird way by the driver of a crashed car. That night I was able to say ball in almost every other sentence while trying to keep a straight face. It’s a long story, but a good one for another time. It’s also another inside joke between me and the same cop.

On Thursday night, I was dispatched to a four-car injury traffic collision. A civilian report writer arrived on scene first and cancelled the fire department.

She next advised over the radio that the crash was a 902T (non-injury) instead of a 901T(injury). She added a little humor by saying, “It’s a crazy 902T.”

I never heard the phrase “crazy 902T” before, so I decided to have a little fun with it. I picked up the mic and said, “Confirming it’s a crazy 902T?”

“Affirm,” replied the dispatcher.

My computer beeped as a I got a message from MM, the cop with the inside “whale” and “ball” jokes. Her message gave me an idea.

I replied back, “Let’s see how many times I can say crazy 902T on the radio.”

I also typed to the dispatcher and said I was going to try and say “crazy 902T” on the radio when I went on scene.

When I arrived, I saw one car with front end damage disabled in the street. The other car struck two parked cars after the initial impact and was also disabled in the road.

“729, all eastbound lanes are closed and we’re going to have a sig-alert for the next hour for a crazy 902T.”

“10-4,” replied the dispatcher.

“729, I’ll need two 926s (tow trucks) for a crazy 902T.”

“10-4.”

Two times. Maybe I could say it one more time.

I started talking with one of the drivers and decided the paramedics needed to respond. I keyed the mic and asked for the fire department. I next wanted to change the status of the call from non-injury to injury. What better way to do that by saying “crazy 902T” again.

“729, this is no longer a crazy 902T. It’s a 901T light.”

Mission accomplished

The bump in the night

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I was stopped for a red arrow in the left turn lane when the dispatcher called me over the radio saying, “729.”

“729?” I responded as I gave my location.

The dispatcher came back on the radio and sent me to a crash involving a car that had struck a wall on the west end of the city.

“10-4,” I replied.

My light was still red, but the traffic signal for through traffic was green. I decided to move over and go straight rather than wait for the red arrow. I put the car in reverse as I quickly glanced into the rear view mirror. Apparently, I glanced up too quickly……

I started to back up and I felt a bump.

It was a bump, not a thump. It was a bump in the night.

A bump you say?

There was one problem with this bump. There was no Thing One or Thing Two. There was no Cat In The Hat or Dr Seuss to make this a funny story.

The bump in the night was my police car hitting the car behind me.

With an embarrassed feeling, I got on the radio and gave my location as I told dispatch that I was just involved in a traffic collision. I then waited for a sergeant to come out and take a look.

When it was all said and done, there there was no damage to the other car, but there were some minor scratches to my rear bumper. Another patrol unit was called to take my collision report. Ironically, I had taken his report when he was in training. This was the first time where a prior customer took my report.

After I cleared the call, I ran into one of my old traffic buddies. He heard what happened and just laughed at me. I laughed with him, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

Then someone pulled a copyright infringement on me and used one of my traffic sayings when they said, “You just can’t go around hitting shit.”

OMG. It was hilarious. I never thought that saying would be used on me.

What’s in the box?

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The other night I went to a hit and run collision where a truck was rear ended at a red light. After the crash, the victim asked the bad guy for his information. The bad guy told him he didn’t have insurance, so the victim said he was going to call the cops.

The bad guy replied by saying, “I’ll go to jail.”

The bad guy went back to his car and returned with something in his hand. He walked over to the victim’s driver door and put something on the seat. He then went back to his car and took off.

The victim looked and saw a small red gift box with a yellow bow on top on his driver seat.

Was this some type of remorseful gift for the hit and run? Was there money or even jewelry to help the victim feel better about being left in the middle of the street with a damaged bumper and an injured wife?

What could it be? Was there something mysterious in the box? The feeling of anticipation was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“What was in the box?” I asked.

“Nothing,” replied the victim. “It was empty.”

“Empty?” I replied as I heard the loser tune from The Price is Right playing in the background. WTF

The victim’s daughter held the box up in her palm and opened it up for me. I looked inside and saw that it was as empty as when Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone’s vault (Google it if you didn’t get it).

After I left the call I thought of something funny. It’s too bad I couldn’t leave the the gift box at the suspect’s door with a note inside that said, “Badge415 found you.”

Maybe this year Santa can leave a lump of coal for Christmas in this guy’s stocking.

“Dad! Daddy! Dad!”

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“I’m going to drop you off at school today with no shirt on.”

With a firm voice my 11 year old daughter said, “Please don’t.”

It was at this point, I thought I’d have some fun at her expense. I grabbed my keys and went to the garage without a shirt on. Once the garage door was up, I got in my car and waited with anticipation for her to come out.

About 30 seconds later my daughter stormed into the garage with a scowl on her face as he petite body carried a large backpack. With a serious and determined look she opened the passenger door and tossed a shirt at me as she said, “Put that on.”

The shirt landed on my lap and I tossed it back as she closed the door. I was going to put it on, but my little joke was just too good to pass up now. Of course, she tried to give me the shirt again, but I refused to take It. That’s when I put the car in reverse and started to back up.

“DAD! DADDY! DAD!”

I pulled onto the street and started heading toward school with my daughter in a panic because I was going to embarrass her. I got 50 yards down the road and couldn’t hold it in anymore as I started laughing. I finally had to pull over so I could put my shirt on.

With her arms crossed, my daughter sat there with eyes that could throw darts. I kept laughing, but she wasn’t amused. With my shirt finally on, we headed to school as I tried to get her to laugh.

She eventually cracked a smile, but she fought to keep it in.

I pulled into the school parking lot and I asked, “Why couldn’t I drop you off without my shirt on?”

“Because it’s embarrassing!”

She also hates it when I suddenly blast 80s music as she steps out of the car at school too! Maybe one day she’ll torture her kids like this because of all the fun I had with her.

My job is to keep them on their toes and to have a little fun at the same time.

A great one-liner

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Courtesy of Flickr

My friend Matt is the master of the quick-witted one-liner. In fact, if you’re not paying attention, he can zap you and walk away before you even know what hit you.

Yesterday he went to a crash where a psychic’s building was struck.

He walked up to the psychic and said, “I know you already know my name, but can I get yours?”

I’m still laughing…………

She didn’t get our jokes

FullSizeRender(25)The other night, I was dispatched to a hit and run call where the victim was chasing the suspect vehicle. At one point she lost the car and pulled over into the parking lot of 7-Eleven.

When I got there the driver was standing in the parking lot with another officer. I went up to her and asked what happened. She seemed stressed and spoke very loudly as she said, “I’ve never been through this before.”

To lighten the mood I said, “This is my first time too.”

She missed my joke and went straight to telling me what happened. As she retold the story her voice got louder and louder. She described how the collision occurred and how she yelled, “You can’t leave!” to the suspect as he drove away.

After he left, the woman started chasing the driver as they went in and out of traffic. At one point she held up her index finger and thumb and said, “He missed a car by that much.”

“You mean like Get Smart?”

She didn’t even blink an eye, which told me she never saw Get Smart like I did as a kid.

She continued with the story as the suspect ran the red light at a major intersection. After that she lost sight of him on a different street, which was pretty far from where the suspect ran the red light. Of course, she didn’t mention running the same red light to keep up with him and I didn’t ask.

An officer named Eric, walked up just as she said, “This is the second hit and run I’ve been in.”

Eric, who is a very funny guy asked, “Were you the suspect or the victim last time?”

With a straight face she said, “The victim,” and continued with the story.

Eric looked at me as he asked, “Too soon?”

“No, not at all,” I replied as I smiled.

In the end I handed her a card with the report number on it and said, “Call your insurance company and tell them what happened.”

“I don’t have insurance.”

We looked at each other for a moment in silence. That’s when I said, “That got awkward.” Eric smiled, but she didn’t get it, which was probably good.

“I gotta pee too”

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When people don’t stop for red lights or stop signs they give all sort of excuses from “I didn’t see it” to “I stopped real fast.” Some will just lie about it and simply say, “I stopped.”

This past week an old favorite has come up again. A few women have tried using the old “I have to pee” excuse. I haven’t heard that one in a long time, but apparently there’s a reemergence of people relying on their large and small intestines to try and get them out of a ticket.

I applaud them for trying because it just gives me a reason to write a blog story. In fact, two women told me the “I have to pee” excuse while running the same stop sign on two separate days.

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That excuse always reminds me of the movie Forrest Gump when he told the president, “I gotta pee” after drinking 15 bottles of Dr Pepper while at the White House.

Whenever I hear someone say, “I have to pee,” I simply reply back, “I gotta pee too.”

The look on their face is priceless. They always pause for a moment as if they’re thinking, “Did that cop just tell me he had to pee?” That’s the best part because they all have the same look. It never gets old. To show them I was reading their mind I’ve always wanted to say, “Yeah, I just said I gotta pee.”

The all time best is when a woman said, “I have to poop” after running a stop sign.

Even though I didn’t say it, I fought the urge to reply, “I gotta poop too,” but it would’ve made everything feel awkward if I had.

You never know when “number one” or “number two” is going to come up in a conversation. This is police work and people say the funniest things.

An inside joke that lives on

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In Orange County, 901T is the radio code for injury collision. 902T is the radio code for non-inury collision and 901 means traffic collision with unknown injuries. It’s just those three unless it’s a hit and run. Then there are a few more codes.

Last year on Halloween night of 2014, a new radio code was born that no one new about. It’s not an official radio code, but it’s the source of a great inside joke that will go on for years.

On that night a 901T involving a pedestrian went out in the southern part of the city and two patrol officers were dispatched to it. My partner and I were on a different call at the time in the east end of our city. It was raining cats and dogs so we had to seek shelter under the porch of someone’s house just to get away from the craziness. At that point I needed a towel more than an umbrella.

We were standing there feeling miserable when an officer got on the radio and said, “This is a 901 Frank.”

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What the heck was a 901 Frank? None of us had ever heard that before. The dispatcher said something on the radio and then the officer spoke again.

“It’s a major and start a traffic.”

“Traffic is 10-6,” replied the dispatcher, advising him we were busy.

“Confirming you conveyed the message to traffic that this is a major.” The tone in his voice told us this was more than just a regular crash.

“10-4,” replied the dispatcher.

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After hearing the word “major” it was time for us to drop what we were doing and head to that call. We had a long drive and I knew we were going to have some good natured fun with the officer who said 901 Frank when we got there. How could we pass it up?

When I pulled up to the call, I went up to the cop and we started having fun with him. “What’s a 901Frank?” I asked.

The officer said, “It was bad. There was blood coming out of his eyes.”

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He was an experienced officer and a great guy, so if he said it was bad then it was really bad. He meant 901 Frank (901F) to be fatal or possible fatal collision. Either way, you’ll never find it in any radio code list ever.

In the end we finished the call and the pedestrian survived. From that point on the term 901 Frank achieved legendary status among some of us who worked that night. It’s one of the funniest inside jokes around and was the subject of numerous memes that I may or may not have created.

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Thanks MW for the laugh. It’s still a great story and it’s hard to believe it happened a year ago.

But really? What the F#$%k is 901Frank?

The Stick Figure Guy

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Anyone who has ever worked this job knows you joke around a lot. Some call it a defense mechanism to all of the things you see and hear at work. That being said, there are certain things that I find funny that the regular person wouldn’t. It’s not that I’m uncaring. It’s just part of this job.

I’ve always joked saying the Heisman Trophy looks like a pedestrian right before a collision occurs.  Since I can’t put the Heisman in the drawing I have to use a Stick Figure Guy.

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Last night I was finishing up a report involving a pedestrian who was hit by a car. The pedestrians in my drawings are always stick figure guys with their hands in the up position. There’s no particular reason why their hands are in the up position. That’s just the way I’ve always done it.

When the drawing was done, I looked at the computer screen and I wondered what the stick figure guy would look like with his hands down. But in reality, what pedestrian has their hands down when a car is about to hit them.

The hands in the up position as the pedestrian says, “Oh shit” was more believable to me.

Then I thought about turning in the report with the hands in a different position, like one up and one down. I clicked on the hands and it reminded me of John Travolta in the movie Saturday Night Fever. A Bee Gees song from the movie flashed in my head as my stick figure guy’s arms assumed the disco position.

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Of course, this was funny to me for no other reason that just because. I guess some things are funnier at 2AM.

After that I wondered what other ways I could draw the stick figure guy in my report. That’s when I came up with the last stick man with his legs and arms bent in different positions.

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I actually laughed when I saw it. That stick figure guy was probably closer to what we see at collisions when people look like human pretzels. Maybe after almost 6,000 crashes I’ve become a little twisted. Like I said, I find humor in stuff the regular person wouldn’t.

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Be safe out there and don’t become the stick figure guy in a drawing. Watch for cars when you cross the street.