On Thursday night, I responded to a disturbance call involving a man and a woman in a parking lot. The call indicated they were arguing and the woman was following the male in a minivan.

I drove down the street and was flagged down by witnesses as they pointed to a man, who was walking southbound on the sidewalk. I also noticed a minivan in a parking lot across the street with a woman in the driver seat. The minivan’s lights turned on as I drove by and I wondered what kind of nonsense they were involved in.

I drove to the male and detained him so we could figure out what was going on. We started talking when the minivan pulled up into the parking lot and stopped. The driver called out through the open passenger window and asked, “Officer, is he in trouble?”

“I don’t know,” I replied back.

“I’m married to that ding dong,” she said.

Ding dong? I guess that meant she didn’t call him “Cupcake.”

“Pull over there and wait,” I told her.

I next asked him what was going on and what their relationship was.

“She’s my wife.”

“How long have you been married?”

“One year, but we’ve known each other for a long time.”

“Do you have any kids?”

“She has an 11 year old in the van. He’s not mine, but he’s like my son. I’ve known him all his life.”

“That’s good,” I replied.

We continued with our small talk when he spontaneously said, “She named him after me.”

“Huh?”

The man said, “She was married to my cousin. They needed a place to stay so they moved in with me. That’s how I got to know her.”

“Did she have the kid after that?” I asked.

“Yes.”

This story just turned Jerry Springer.

He continued, “She told me she named her son after me because she had a crush on me.”

“Let me get this straight. She was married to your cousin and she named their son after you, but he’s not yours? Now you’re married to her?”

“Yeah.”

You just can’t make this stuff up.