“People just want to be heard and understood.” As a new cop in my twenties, I definitely didn’t understand this. In fact, I didn’t understand it until I was in my forties and I had become a negotiator for my department. I always thought I was a “good listener”, but I can honestly say I was a good “tell-you-what-to-doer” instead. As a cop working the street, I was a problem solver. I saw the problem, analyzed it, and came up with a solution so I could move on to the next one.

When I joined our negotiation team, I dove into the subject, reading everything I could and listening to hours of negotiation podcasts. I became a student of the craft.  One thing I learned was that negotiating wasn’t about me or how I felt. It was about how other people felt and how they wanted to be heard and understood. I didn’t have to agree with them or their point of view. I just needed to show I understood how they were feeling.

One example that comes to mind was at a car accident scene involving an unlicensed driver whose car was going to be impounded. When the tow truck arrived, I pointed to her car. The tow driver parked in front of it, exited and lowered the flatbed of his truck. He pulled the tow cable and attached a hook underneath the car. He went to his control levers on the side of his truck and started to pull the car up. The unlicensed driver decided her car wasn’t going to be towed and stepped onto the bed of the tow truck in defiance. I walked up and told her to get off, but she refused. We went back and forth, but she wouldn’t get off. This wasn’t a debate, and I told her the car was getting impounded and she was going to jail if she didn’t get off. We shared a stare-into-my-eyes moment, and she knew this was not going to end well. She relented and stepped off the tow truck. As she got off the tow truck, she told me she wanted to speak to a sergeant. I told her okay and called for a supervisor.

It didn’t matter whether she complained or not because I wasn’t rude or disrespectful. I knew I was in the right and that everything was handled properly. She waited with her arms crossed, her eyes shooting daggers because she didn’t get her way and would have to pay a hefty tow bill. For me, this wasn’t personal; it was business. For her, it was personal.

While I stood there, I decided to practice my negotiation skills. Most people wouldn’t go near the woman because it would invite an uncomfortable situation. For me, it was a chance to show a level of understanding she wasn’t expecting. I walked up, her body stiffened and she squinted her eyes. In a low and respectful voice, I said, “I know you think I’m an asshole. I would even think I was an asshole too.”

Her shoulders slumped as her eyes looked down and her body posture deflated like a balloon losing air. My negotiation Jedi mind trick had worked. I turned and saw the supervisor, a former negotiator, standing by. I pointed to him and told the woman, “My sergeant is here. Do you still want to talk with him?”

She replied, “No, I’m good.”

In that moment, I identified the negative, which was me, and showed that I understood how she felt. She only wanted to be understood, and that was all she needed. I replied, “Okay,” and walked up to the sergeant and told him he wasn’t needed anymore.

If I had said, “I don’t want you to think I’m an asshole,” I would have made it about me rather than how she felt. The negative was me and rewording it and saying, “I know you think I’m an asshole,” I made it about her and how she felt.

Remember, people just want to be heard and understood.