Tag Archives: patrol

You might be an idiot if….

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You might be an idiot if……

On Saturday night I walked into 7-11 (The NSUB for North Substation) to use the microwave. I noticed a woman in a short black dress standing by the beer cooler as she looked my way with a weird look on her face. There was a man with his back to me next to the coffee counter, which was across from the cooler.

I put my dish in the microwave and noticed the woman, who was in her mid-twenties, still looking at me the same weird look. What was up with her?

Since 7-11 has been locking the beer coolers and opening them up for customers, I assumed she was waiting for the clerk. I then walked to the bathroom while my food heated up.

After I was done, I took my dish out of the microwave and put it on the counter. That’s when the clerk confronted the man, who originally had his back to me.

There was a piece of fruit on the floor and the clerk pointed to it as he said, “You ate that without paying.”

The other clerk walked up with the empty plastic bowl, which was at the coffee counter where the guy was standing when I saw him.

I looked at the drunk knucklehead and asked, “Did you eat that?”

With a nervous low voice he said, “No.”

The clerk shook his head and said, “I saw him.”

“Did you eat that without paying?” I asked again.

“Yeah.”

He pulled out a hundred dollar bill and replied, “I’ll pay for it.”

What an original idea.

He picked the wrong 7-11 to be dumb in. This 7-11 has cops coming and going more frequently than arrivals and departures at the airport.

In fact, I’ve spent more time in this 7-11 than some new cops have time on the job.

Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if” routine? That routine can also be used in police work.

“You might be an idiot if you steal from our favorite 7-11.”

“You might be an idiot if you’re eating something without paying for it when a cop walks in.”

“You might be an idiot if you lie and think it’s okay to go inside that particular 7-11 and act stupid.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

Witchcraft?

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A few months ago, I was sent to a call in which a woman wanted to speak to officers about witchcraft. This was a first for me. I’ve always been a Jedi Mind Trick sort of guy, but I’d give the witchcraft conversation a shot.

I was working a graveyard patrol shift when I was sent to an apartment at 4:30AM. The gate was locked, so I asked dispatch to call the RP (reporting party) to let us in.

We waited for a while, but no one came to the gate. After a few minutes I got on the radio and asked, “Can you call the RP and see if they could make up a spell to open the gate?”

A minute later the RP appeared as she walked down a pathway toward us. She was in her late 30s, short, had a round face and brown shoulder length wavy hair. She was wide eyed with a gaze that was cast downward. She only spoke Spanish, so I called dispatch and had someone translate for me over the phone.

The woman told the translator someone had cast a spell on her because they were jealous of her kids. Cast a spell on her? This was indeed a new type of call for me.
I asked the woman where her children were. The woman replied her kids lived with someone else.

We handed the phone back and forth as I used the translator to help us communicate. In the end she didn’t want to hurt herself, but she was truly fearful of the witchcraft that was around her. It was her reality. I could’ve said, “Boo” and she would’ve jumped into the air.

She said she wanted to talk to a mental health professional and we arranged transportation for her. As she left I thought about how lucky we were that she didn’t own a black cat. I didn’t see a broom either.